Monday, August 24, 2015

Magus...I HAD to have the platinum

Its hard to know where to begin...

Ok, here we go, I sometimes like to go on Amazon and type in a game I like and see what Amazon suggests for me. This has led me to some really great games. Like the time I was pre-ordering Persona 2 Innocent Sin and it suggested Hakuoki and I bought it and I fell in love with all things Shinsengumi related.
So one day, I was perusing Amazon, as one does and I see a plain black placeholder image with the word Magus across it up for pre-order. I click cause dammit hello MAGE is right in the name. The description was pretty non existant and while I thought about pre-ordering I just wasn't feeling it, but I added it to the wishlist. Eventually the game was released to horrid reviews and I went "well glad I didn't buy that" see, I'm a girl who loves Sharknado and Dino Croc. I loved the Game Realms of Ancient War and I LIVE for Dynasty Warriors. I like bad things is what I'm saying, or at least things that are perceived as bad by a large majority of people. Being I like bad, I knew I wanted to play this game but, not for that damn price. I like bad things but I ain't stupid.

Flash forward to the latest PSN sale...Lo and behold! MAGUS!! for TWO DOLLARS!!! TWO F-IN DOLLARS! and me with 50 cents in the bank! FML
But, my very kind friend Chris (Hi Chris!) who spoils me WAY too much was sweet enough to get me a PSN card so that I could buy this masterpiece of crap!
I rushed to the PS Store to buy it and...the PSN store randomly booted me out. Maybe it was trying to save me. I log back in and I buy it and set it to download. While it downloaded I decided to browse the store some more...still on the fence about a couple games (is $4 really worth it? hmm) and suddenly...the psn store kicked me out again and my download errored out. WTF? its like the cosmos is intervening. Well, screw you cosmos, I WILL download Magus.
Second try worked and I downloaded the anemic 870mb game. When I try to play it it tells me it needs an update. I click on it ps3 shut down and restarted... I try again, same thing. Now its fucking war! Third times a charm and finally I can begin this glorious masterpiece of bad decisions.

Why this long ass story before getting into the game? Because I want you to feel where I'm coming from, ya feel?

This game is....ugly...
I'm not one for graphics, really I'm not, but at the same time...when you play a PS3 game you have, you don't expect a game to look like early to mid PS2. I don't even wanna talk about the hilarious horror that was the title character's teeth and eyes in the cutscene? thing I couldn't control right before I could control it...I don't know what to call that.

You play as Magus, generic, hideous, white bald guy, who is a god, but doesn't know it or something and is in prison. Some chick breaks you out and off we go to do...stuff.
Look at this glorious bastard! Yes, this is a PS3 game...shocking, I know. 

The game says its an action RPG but really its a really lame 3rd person shooter. You get no weapons. But you do have 3 colors of magic. Red, Blue and Green. Red is useless..seriously...I never used red. I went most of the game with the Green started magic and occasionally the blue just for a little color variety. You power up your magic by absorbing it from glowy colored rocks lying around and just...hold down R1 and don't stop til the credits roll. No joke, thats it. You press R1 and Magus throws glowy orbs non-stop. I mean, sure there are skill trees don't really need any of the skills. Ok, I lie, there's one skill that I did use. You throw out a bunch of green flame. Its a decent AOE for the completely SHIT, HORRID, OMFG I HATE THIS level where you're on a beach and a bunch of lizard men keep dropping out of the sky non-stop. Fuck that level.

The game is SUPER short. Its got the generic tutorial "get out of jail" that seems to be pretty fucking standard in RPGS. Then you get a Tower and there you find a world map with 4...yes..FOUR locations to choose from, you can do them in any order and they are pretty damn generic and straightforward as well. There's SHIT BEACH as I mentioned. DARK DANK CORRIDOR MINE, HEY LOOK BROWN aka DESOLATE DESERT FULL OF PRO WRESTLERS? and OH WOW AN ICE LEVEL WHAT A SURPRISE. Once you shoot your way through all of those a whole new world opens up...No, I'm lying, one more location opens up... FINAL TWIST CASTLE!  The castle has probably the hardest boss in the game and I use the term "hard" very very loosely. Like all other battles, I got through it by....running around in circles holding down the R1 button. case the game wasn't quite dumbed down enough yet...that chick that got you out of jail, she tags along for the entire game, and she doesn't die...ever...also, she seems to have some sort of enemy attracting perfume on. I spent most of the game standing around holding down R1 and killing everything while they all just clustered around her and ignored me.

The face of a GOD!
herp derp
Story... oh..story...As ugly bald dude is a god...with amnesia or something...and I'm in jail for...reasons...and this chick gets me out...because she felt she had to, though she doesn't know me..she just...kinda had a feeling. Like when I'm kinda hungry, vaguely, but don't know what to eat and I go to the fridge and stare for a while and eventually eat like a piece of cheese. Seriously, she tells you that she goes around prisons looking for "someone" cause she has a "feeling" and she hasn't found them yet but she doesn't know who it is but she's pretty sure its you. I swear...this is the actual story. Then we set off don't really know. To find out who sent her to look for someone? to stop the king of the land from being a dick? to proclaim my godhood to all I see? Yes? Its all pretty vague and pointless.
The main character is silent with dialogue choices you choose from but everyone else is voiced...and its surprisingly good voice acting. Like, the dialogue itself is utter cheeseball crap but the actual voice acting is solid. Honestly, its kinda wasted on such terrible writing. I was torn between wanting to skip the cheese and wanting to listen to the voice actors. Now,
While Magus might not speak, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a personality...He's got 2 distinct personality choices...Asshole and bigger asshole. Not gonna lie...I did kinda enjoy that.I told some guy I was gonna beat him with his own spine, that was amusing. Honestly it doesn't matter what choices you make in conversation, the story doesn't change one whit...well except for one part. IF you neglect to talk to one dude after kicking his ass then you will miss a branch of a skill tree. While this is not important AT ALL to gameplay, it is important if you want to get the platinum. So, you know, be as big an asshole as you wanna be, it doesn't matter.

So...aside from being a dick to everyone for the lulz, why did I play this? I don't know! that's just it. It's dumb and ugly and easy and brainless and I fucking played this motherfucker til 4am because I suddenly felt compelled to get the platinum for it. (btw..HOORAY FOR PLATINUM NUMBER TWO! Yes, 2, don't judge!) Most of the trophies can be acquired just by going through the game. There's honestly only 3 you'll need to work for.

Maxing out all 3 skill trees, because you can only max out 2 in a playthrough. So I just saved and reloaded and maxed out the third. And as mentioned above, there's that one missable section.

Collection 100 health potions. (here's a tip...start the game over and break every breakable item in the tutorial dungeon.

Collect 500 items...omg...what a damn slog that was... seriously. All you can do is kill lots and lots of things and pick up the crap they drop until the trophy pops up.

Speaking of items...a collection of the most hideous armor EVER! I can't..I can't even describe it...So...I'll just show you:
spent most of the game in this stylish number
My end game threads
sexy, no?
Whatever you don't use you can give to a unicorn that turns it into scrolls that you can use to pad your stats...don't ask...just go with it...You can also add stat boosting jewels to your outfits and equip up to 4 stat boosting runes...honestly this shit is just there to be there because you truly don't need to boost anything to play through this.

This game is like...a horrible wreck...You just cannot look away. Its bad, its really bad, you know you shouldn't. You know you're a bad person if you do...but you just cannot help yourself. Afterwards you feel dirty and ashamed but at the same time secretly pleased with yourself.The only positives are..the voice work isn't terrible and hey, its a really easy platinum.

I will admit that in a way...I guess the game accomplished what it set out to do...well, if it set out to make you an invincible, all powerful asshole. So..Congrats game maker?

Flash sale ends in a few hours so... for 2 bucks....yeah..get it...just so you can own one of the sh ittiest games ever...after big rigs.

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