Friday, September 2, 2011

*@$! you Demon's Souls! right in the @!$

I got Dark Soul's for Christmas and added on to my pile of shame ( a pile you could lose a toddler in). I've read the manual, looked at the cover, think I even took the disc out of the case once, then put it right back. For a time I forgot it existed. Everyone talks about how hard it is and I remember watching Yahtzee's review of it and going "f- that", I like my games to be fun, dying a million times in the same section is not fun to me. I know I know, the "hardcore" gamers believe you should work at it and master your skills at games... I say F- that too. I play games to chill out, to get out of my daily life. Life is frustrating enough without having some guy shank me in a game 67 times in a row.  This is why I have never made it past the first boss in Ninja Gaiden Black and probably never will, shame too, I was enjoying the ninja flippy-skills.

This is probably why I don't play games online either, that and my innate shyness. I know, I know, you're laughing at the thought of me being shy, but really, I am. I'd probably burst into tears if someone made fun of me during a gaming session online, I'd cuss them out in multiple languages but I'd probably cry too.

But as usual...I digress. I do that a lot. If my train of thought is not derailed multiple times in a single conversation I'm thrown off balance for the rest of the day. A convo without tangents is like a day with no sunshine...bleak and boring.

But back on topic..where was I? Ah yes, Demon's Souls. I've been trying to show my dusty PS3 a little more love lately by playing Final Fantasy 13 but, I didn't feel like an interactive movie with zippers and absurdly colored hair, so I decided to browse my very small collection of PS3 games and stumbled on Demon's Souls. I thought to myself, "Well, I pre-ordered Dark Souls, might as well give this thing a whirl."

Game started well enough,  standard generic plot. Some kingdom, evil fog, lots of demons, many enter, none return. WOW, original. So I move on to the tutorial and....WTF? Why do i swing my sword with the RB? Not the RT, cause the would make sense, not a face button, that would make sense too, no, the awkwardly positioned and asininely assigned RB. Of course your shield is mapped to LB, makes sense, I mean why use common sense and the pretty "standard" button configurations that other games use. I mean, this game is "special" (I mean that in the same sense as the Special Olympics. If that offends you, you're reading the wrong damn blog, move along).

So I get through the awkward button pressing tutorial and head on out to the first boss, who insta-killed me. Well, that sucks. But I wasn't dead, I was transported somewhere where  i totally zoned out and didn't hear a damn word the chick-thing said to me. I ran around the room watching other people's ghosts run around the room and then I talked to a blacksmith, but I couldn't buy jack shit cause I didn't have enough souls, the coin of the realm.

I leave this green room and head on out to kill and plunder and save the world or whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to do.

Yeah, that went well. Every damn time I died,which was often, mostly cheap deaths like a giant ball rolling over me Indiana Jones style, falling into a pit or my character taking her damn sweet time with the healing item and getting impaled on a sword or two, I was taken right back to the beginning of the level. While this is annoying as hell, its no biggie, right. Well I thought so at first but then I realized every time I died and went back to the beginning it carried on from where I left off as far as my inventory, meaning I was down healing items. A Pain in the ass but again, not insurmountable...Then it happened on the umpteenth run of the SAME DAMN SECTION my sword broke....WTF?????? My sword just, broke. I had picked up another one but I couldn't use it because my skill wasnt high enough. Well, I COULD use it but it did slightly more damage than poking enemies with my finger...oh and did I mention, when you die, while you lose the healing items you already ate, yet your weapon deteriorates constantly, you also lose all the souls you've collected, right back to 0 every time, guaranteeing I'll never be able to replace my damn sword or buy healing items. Yeah, no. F- you Demon's Souls. I'll go back to the interactive whine-fest that is Final Fantasy 13. At least that moves forward and lets me kill things, even if it does seem a little annoyed at me for wanting to play it rather than watch it. And for the record, I cannot stand Lightning, that bitch needs a Midol or 20.

If I didn't prize my game collection I'd use Demon's Souls as a Frisbee for our new dog.

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